My whole life I have identified as the sad, melancholy girl. As a child, I was abused and lonely. Homeschooled and kept away from the outside world like a shameful secret. I had no choices and no control. I spent each day trying to make my mom happy, something she was never capable of being, and trying to keep her and my dad stable in their totally dysfunctional marriage. I did these things starting at a very young age. I am an empath so I could sense everyones emotions around me, sometimes in whispers, sometimes so loud I felt overcome.
I would spend time in my room, hiding. I created a dream world (very common coping mechanism for children who are abused), where I had a person who loved me and held me and cared for me and told me everything would be ok. How I would spend hours in bed imagining being in my fantasy caretakers arms while he rubbed my back and whispered to me that I would make it.
At eighteen I met Ronald and fell in love fast and hard. He was/is amazing. We were friends for awhile before we started dating and as soon as we got together we were planning our simple wedding because we both knew I needed to get out of my childhood house and still abusive situation.
Being with Ronald was like magic. He looked at me, talked to me, made love to me, and held me when I cried. I actually started having fun. I realized I had a great sense of humor as well as hopes and dreams. Instead of relying on a fantasy for survival, I had an actual person who genuinely cared about me.
Then it all hit. I started crying non-stop (I mean like 8 hours a day for years), I was totally non-functional, I had panic attacks and began throwing up regularly due to anxiety to the point that I weighed 100 pounds. I had no idea what mental health was and when people reached out encouraging me to get help, I refused. I was too scared. I didn't know what it would be like. But then about 14 years ago I started therapy. It seriously broke me open. I started taking medication about 11 years ago. But nothing was working. I was diagnosed with BPD, treatment resistant depression on the bipolar spectrum, panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and PTSD.
It took until this year for me to actually accept that I was abused and to see all the trauma I have experienced in my life. I don't think people know how difficult it can be for a person to accept that they were abused in their childhood. Once I started working on that, (bitter, soul crushing work), I began to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
I have clawed my way out. I can happily say that I haven't been depressed for about a month. I know that seems small, but with my case, I have had very few non-depressed times in my life, so for me it is a huge victory.
I feel like Catherine now. I am learning new things about myself. I am passionates again. I want to do things with my life, I want to meet people and make connections with the world. My self confidence has grown so much. I am starting to see myself as sexy sometimes (really weird), I see myself as desirable sometimes, and that people may want to know me, and that I am more than my illness or the trauma I have endured. I'm excited to build a life outside of this story of trouble and despair, I'm excited to be me, and to happily discover who I really am.
I'm excited to experience joy and pleasure, I'm excited to get to a point where I am not ashamed of my past and my mental illnesses but actually proud of the way it reveals how incredibly strong I am. I don't think many people understand the strength it takes to fight this long just to stay alive, its really a miracle I am still here. Through it all, I never lost my compassion and empathy for others, or my sense of humor.
I have so many books to read, moments to enjoy, people to meet, travels to go on, people I can help, puppies to pet, and compassion and empathy to bring to the world. I am just in awe at how far I have come!
I still go to therapy twice a week and it is very extensive and intense. I take meds to keep myself stable, I also work hard every day to do the things I need to do to continue to be well. And I'm going to keep fighting while also learning to enjoy where I am and honestly how much of a badass I am for beating the monster that has tried to kill me for thirty five years. #badassbitchfromhell
xo, C
