I am a list maker. It's seriously one of the habits that keeps me fighting and reminding why I am working so hard to heal and build the life I want.
When things are really bad, which is much of the time (thanks treatment resistant depression!), I write lists of reasons things will be ok. It really helps and I highly recommend it if you enjoy writing lists. I also write out future plans and goals, things I can do each day depending on my mood in categories like "easy", "medium", and "hard" so I can choose what to do based on how I am doing.
This morning I decided to write out why I won't give up. Here it is, in no particular order...
Reasons:
Ronald who is my lover, best friend, and who supports me in amazing ways
The pups
The feeling of happiness (rare but amazing)
All my plants
Snuggling Ron
Ron and I have so much fun, even on days when I feel like shit, we just click
Our weekends (weekends are the best and the main time I let myself rest)
Disneyland
Fashion and makeup
I still have so many tattoos to get
I need to write a book of poems
Our future baby (we are doing IVF because I have a double uterus and cervix as well as PCOS, so we have decided to have a girl, and we are so excited!)
Candles--obsessed!
Monterey and Pacific Grove
Romantic vacations
We need to go to Bali
We need to travel the world
I want to know what it feels like to be pregnant
I want to see all the sunrises and sunsets
I want a new car one day (I know this seems tiny but my car is 15 years old and has a tape deck!) 😂
Making things
Cooking and baking with Ron
One day I may get a good nights sleep 🤞
All the Christmases we’ll have
Seeing our kids on Christmas morning
All the journals I need to fill up
All the books I need to read
I want to see my hair turn grey
I want to have a lot more sex
I want to go to Warriors games
I want to have a girlfriend one day
I want to have an awesome group of feminist, bopo, activist friends
I want to drink booze again (I miss bourbon!)
I want to try shrooms (hahaha)
A new medication is coming out that may help me
I want to walk in flower fields
I want to wear all my cute clothes
I want to go to the beach all the time
I want to live in Pacific Grove or New Zealand Or Lisbon
I want to stay with these pups and give them a great life
I want to be old with Ron (lets be honest, we already act old af!)
I want to go back to Lisbon
I want to go on safari in Africa
I want to see our house finally renovated (ten years and counting…)
I want to build an amazing garden
I want to see our kids play, have friends, and give them a happy childhood
I want to help people
There are so many vintage things I have yet to find at thrift stores!
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For all my dear ones who are struggling right now, I really recommend you try to write out some of your reasons. It really helps me, and it may help you.
xo, C
