I knew I was getting depressed so like the
Bootstrap that I am, I lugged myself into the
Shower. How opening that shower door can be
Pure hell is a mystery to me.
I brushed and flossed my teeth mechanically,
As I do twice a day without even thinking.
Applying face creams and sunscreen and then the makeup
In weird artistic smudges. I put on my frilly red skirt and leave the house.
Exhausted, depressed, hopeful, who knew that concoction
Could fill a body? I am overflowing with distrust and pain.
I am overflowing with hope and a new found confidence and
Love for myself. I went to the bookstore, the one I was at
When I realized my life was about to end, and had to go to
The hospital for 72 hours. I am a survivor, I am incredible.
I’ve made it this far, I am determined to make it all the way.
Something new occurs, I keep my chin up, I make eye contact with
People. I see men looking at me, maybe with curiosity, maybe with lust.
I don’t really know. I do know something about me turns men into fire
And it’s a newfound power for me, and I like it, even though I’m not supposed to say that.
I sit in the cafe and eat an apple tart, write in my notebook, and message him.
I smile and become a giddy schoolgirl (I never was a giddy schoolgirl but I imagine this is what
It would be like). He is far away and I don’t know how to cope with that. I’m afraid.
So I get up to stop the worry and go to my paperback savior, the poetry section.
I am quite familiar with the poetry section of the bookshop. I look at it with passion, as the stiff
Shelves stand there waiting for me to caress the titles. I pick two books because I can never
Buy just one. The joy I feel looking at all those books, adoring the names, recognizing so many
And getting the warmest feelings— I’m in love. And then like a
Temporary goodbye, I leave. Until next time my love, until next time.
And I can’t stop smiling.
—
At twilight I start crying with the sad song that has been spinning
In my head like a record all day. When I’m down my body stiffens up.
I stare off into space, and I feel dead.
I go outside, the blazing heat has finally worn itself out
And I sit on the swing, where we sat and smoked joints after
Having sex. It reminds me I’m an idiot for imagining it was
Anything more than a hookup. For not realizing you had
This planned the whole time, even though you told me you
Were looking for a relationship. You really just wanted to
Go into my bed, touch me all over and get off.
After we smoked, you took me again and I liked it,
Because I thought it was real.
Then like the privileged white kid you are,
You told me the next day that you couldn’t talk to me.
It finally came out that you regretted sleeping with me.
That you used me and objectified me the whole time,
That I was a thing to you, not a person.
And I still let myself like you and want you. I look
Back and wonder how I could lower my standards so much for you.
You’re story kept changing, you told me you didn’t really regret it,
You didn’t actually objectify me but didn’t want to have sex on the first date.
Even though that was your plan all along, it was completely obvious
When you pushed me hard up against the kitchen island and started kissing me
And rubbing against me. I knew exactly what was going to happen,
I just didn’t know you were dripping with toxic masculinity.
You told me you were and still are attracted to me, that you wanted to
See if something could develop between us.
We met for lunch and I cried because I had turned you into something you
weren’t. Because I liked being with you, I liked the way you made me feel.
And there was a palpable chemistry between us even though I knew you didn't want me.
And then you ignored me completely. And I knew, because when you wanted
To fuck me, you talked to me constantly. I kept giving you chances, and you kept
Failing, but I still gave you another one, like a cheap whore.
I wish I never met you. I wish you never touched my body or entered that
Little hole every guy wants.
It still hurts and I’m glad I will never see you again, but like the idiot I am,
I can’t stop thinking about you.
