I apologized to you last night.
I know why and I don’t know why since you hurt me so badly.
But I feel better and that’s what’s important.
I told you it was my last message, and it is.
The last few days I’ve said some shit to you I regret,
And I want a clean slate, I don’t want to lug around the guilt.
I have enough perpetuated guilt from my mother rolling around
My head like a carousel. None of it was about you, and yet it was.
It was like I pasted an image of my last dream that was shattered
By another asshole, and hoped somehow it could work.
It was really bits of him, and bits of you I combined to fulfill a dream that could never be.
And that was wrong, and that broke me a little, just like always—
Everyone leaves. I knew you didn’t want me and it
Was just a hookup, but when I told you, you denied it and said it was more.
I still knew, but I convinced myself to believe you (silly girl).
You told me you were, and still are attracted to me (why did you say that?).
You gave me so many mixed signals, while
Actively ignoring me. I don’t know why I didn’t see it.
Blinded by that electric smile and the hope that somehow,
Someway, you weren't the asshole you came across as
And that we could make something work.
I got desperate. I regret it terribly. I just wanted
A love in the city. To experience you sweet and slowly again.
To know you.
I’m getting depressed from it. From the rejection.
I feel like an idiot. I feel like a child. Like I made a fool of myself.
My cheeks get hot with embarrassment. And I still want you,
And that makes me feel disgusting. And when I remember what
We did in my bed, and what you were thinking, my stomach turns.
Even with how you hurt me over and over, even with your
Utter disinterest that you masked with not being a good friend.
When floating in the back of my mind was the fact that
When you wanted to fuck me, you couldn’t stop talking to me.
Why did I let this happen? You said you wanted a relationship,
When you just wanted a hookup and objectified me. Then you left.
I need to remember that. Somehow you acted like my dad,
Neglectful and ignoring. And I went back there, back to the pain, and now
I’m depressed and don’t know when I’ll feel like myself again.
That’s the worst part. Like using a Ouija board, or casting a spell,
You brought him back into my life.
Unintentionally, but still, he is here in the recliner treating me like I don’t exist.
I gave you that power. The power to bring him back. The power to hurt me.
I’m a child— a neglected child, desperate for attention.
