thoughts

Hi Loves!

I've really debated sharing this post. I wrote it like a week ago. I talk about some of my disordered eating and I think admitting those things is very hard, scary, and makes me feel ashamed. I also am worried I'm going to trigger someone who reads, so just know if this may be triggering for you, please don't read. I also say a few negative things about the BOPO movement that have affected me, just know I love the BOPO community, it has helped me so much!

trigger warning

talk of disordered eating

So I have started eating more nutritious foods. I am body positive, and I'm not dieting, I am not restricting (although that is something I struggle with). I believe in intuitive eating. When I'm full, I stop eating, when I am hungry, I eat something and I am free to choose whatever I want to eat. This is one reason R and I have decided that we are not going to  have our kids eat an amount of food we choose for them. Disordered eating is rampant in this country and we want our kids to learn to eat when they are hungry, and stop when they are full. That is how intuitive eating works.

I really want to eat more nutritious foods because I think it will help my body that is very ill due to my mental health issues and fibromyalgia, but I also give myself permission to eat what my body wants. I also want to get stronger physically. My goal is not to lose weight, my goal is to increase my physical strength and ability. I want to start going for walks (not a good idea in this smoke right now), but I'm really excited to take walks. I love being outside, but I will also have to face my agoraphobia and risk a fibro flare. I have to be very careful about how long I walk and how fast I walk because I know I will struggle getting back out there if I get a fibro flare. I also know walking and getting out of the house will be really good for my mental health, and I can take Cricket who is a stress-monster of anxiety and energy, so it will be really good for her!

So here are some of the foods I am eating. Low sugar oatmeal for breaky, or rice cakes (really into rice cakes...WTF?!?!) with pb and banana, apples and pineapple, smoothie with carrots, dark cherries, and greek yogurt, and wheat thins with a piece of cheese (really into cheese lately) 😂 and then a yummy dinner. I also add a bit of chocolate in there, I mean, how could I not?!?! I also have to have a snack at bedtime in order to take one of my meds so I've been eating sugar free pudding. It's really hard for me to eat that late, but the pudding is small so not very filling.

I struggle with disordered eating. Any time I change my eating routine, or am struggling emotionally (all the time!), I begin to restrict what I eat. I get to the point where I have low blood sugar and sometimes almost faint. I think in some ways its' a sort of self-harm. My mother had an ED and I started exercising at 4 and restricting at 8! I've really struggled with body image and disordered eating my entire life. No matter my size, I have hated my appearance. I also have issues with binge eating when I'm really stressed. Usually when R is out of town. I eat so much I make myself extremely sick, that is the goal of it, to make myself very sick.

Part of me is thinking, is this really a body positive post? Will this trigger anyone? How do I know if I am body positive when I struggle with shame about my size and think I'm ugly? This may not be written in a totally body positive way. Sometimes I feel like instead of making body positivity work for me, it becomes this abstract system that fluctuates between the main people in the movement. I also feel like some express a belief that if you struggle with self love, then you are not body positive. I'm not saying that is the whole movement, but sometimes I think they don't get how incredibly hard self love is for a lot of people. I do deal with disordered eating and body image and I do feel sort of abandoned by the movement. But I also know it's not all about me, and that I can also bring my own story and my own interpretation to the table. I seriously feel like I am walking on eggshells with this post. I've noodled on writing this for a week now, but I really want to share this. It's important to me.

I honestly don't think I will ever love or accept my body. There is just too much trauma, shame, and pain. But I'm not going to give up.

Please share your thoughts too! I would love to know what you think and also what your body positive journey has been like!

xo, Catherine