This is kind of a dim photo, but it sort of represents how I feel right now. I'm going to talk about friendship...here goes...
I have had very few close friends in my life. Throughout my extremely isolated childhood, I had maybe three to four friends and they all moved away or we had a falling out. As a teenager I had two close friends and with one we had a falling out, and the other moved away.
In my adult years, I have had maybe four close friends. two we had a falling out (based on something they did that was extremely hurtful to me). And now I'm at a place where I have zero in-person friends, and a few online friends. Online friends are amazing and have been the most supportive friends I have ever had. But long distance friendships don't fill the loneliness within me. I feel very detached from them just due to the distance.
Ronald and I had some people we thought were friends, but as soon as things got difficult with my health, they all disappeared and ignored us, that was very painful and I realize how many wasted parties, dinners, and even trips that we completely covered for those people were just worthless. A friend is not a friend if you are not there for them when something terrible occurs in their life. But I guess they liked the free trips to Vegas, and home cooked meals. I guess you can see how bitter I am about this, but I fucking hate those people.
I think I am a pretty good friend. I have definitely screwed up some friendships, and I take responsibility for that. I also have health issues that make it difficult for me to keep plans or do things that perhaps a healthy friend would do. But I am the kind of friend that if I find out my friend is really struggling, I will drop everything to be there for them, often to my own detriment. I am trying to learn that I can be there for people, without overloading myself and stopping myself from taking care of myself.
Other than two or three online friends, I do not have anyone who is there for me besides Ronald and my psych/therapist. It's a pretty scary place to be, having an extremely small support system, especially when I am struggling so much.
But I just need to write out what a friend is to me...
A friend is someone who checks in on me, a friend is someone who asks what I need when I'm struggling with my health issues and follows through if I have the courage to tell them what I need (usually I don't and I just keep it in). A friend is someone who does nice and caring things for me even when I don't ask for them. A friend is someone who asks questions about how I am doing, my health issues, my dreams, etc. A friend is someone who if they have a problem with me, they tell me (something I'm so fucking tired of doing with my friends that I have decided not to do it anymore as it is too painful to be hurt from their inability to see the problem.--if that makes me a bad friend in their eyes than that's fine.). A friend is someone who invites me to things, even if I am not able to go due to my health. A friend is someone who spends time with me when we have time together in person, even if it means sitting on the daybed and watching movies or talking and listening to music. A friend is someone who doesn't expect me to do more for them, than they do for me. A friend is someone who can be totally honest with me, and I with them.
Maybe some people just aren't capable of doing those things. I am not saying I am the best at it either, or that I don't make mistakes in friendships. We all make mistakes in relationships, but if things just go unsaid we will grow apart.
My psych/therapist, Ronald, and I have all talked about these things, and I have made the choice to not give very much in friendships that honestly hurt me because I try to believe, or make it something it isn't. It's so sad, and it is extremely painful. And it's something I think I have to grieve. But I am tired of being hurt, tired of being given the run around of excuses by friends who just don't really know how to be a friend. Of course this increases my loneliness a ton, and somedays I feel like I can't breathe because I am so lonely. I have talked about these issues for years in therapy (I mean like a decade). And I've decided finally to make a change, because I can't handle the emotional turmoil these friendships constantly cause me. I feel a ton of guilt about all of this. But I have realized that some of my friendships begin to turn into my terrible and abusive relationship with my mother, where I bend over backwards to make my friend happy, to the point of sacrificing myself, and my own well being.
I'm done with that shit. If this means I will have no friends, then so be it. I can't keep putting myself through this pain and turmoil.
Thanks to all the people who reach out to me and send love and support, I don't think you know how much that means to me. I'm also just so fucking thankful to have Ronald in my life. He is an amazing human.
xo, C
