Trigger warning: talk of abuse, depression.
I haven't blogged in ages. I guess I feel like unless you are an influencer with a huge following, blogs are sort of dead. But I want to write this out just for me because I figured out something and I want to get it written down, and if someone reads it, that's cool too.
I've been in a really deep depression since July. We rescued Ruby and the next day a guy from the UK came to visit me for three days. As soon as I met him in person, I knew he wasn't for me, but I still spent three days with him. I have CPTSD and so I didn't even realize I didn't want to spend time with him until after he left. Being abused as a child, I learned to deny all my feelings and only do what my parents wanted, and to behave. This made me start to believe that I actually wanted the things my parents were doing and making me do. So it's easy for me to still get caught in this trap, although just over these few months, it has gotten a lot better.
Honestly, we mainly had sex the whole time he was here. I was not attracted to him, but he came so far to see me and I felt obligated, I couldn't say no. Our relationship online was very loving and supportive, but sexually he was very demanding and I felt very used and like a sex object. It was really awful. And the worst part was that I didn't stand up for myself. I actually got scared of him. Not because he was actually a scary person, but because letting someone take advantage of me put me back in the space of my abuse and that is a very scary place.
A week or two after he went back to the UK I broke up with him over FaceTime. I mainly blamed everything on me and said I was too fucked as a person to be valuable in his life. I haven't talked to him since.
Looking back now I realize that I didn't owe that guy anything. What I wanted to do was tell him as soon as we met that I didn't think things would work and so I wouldn't be able to see him anymore, and that would have been totally fine and reasonable.
I also missed the first three days with Ruby and that was super hard and it also has taken a long time for her to bond with me. She was really bonded with Ron but it took her until this week to feel comfortable and safe with me.
Since that time, I have felt so much shame, shame that I let myself down, that I didn't honor and listen to what I actually wanted, and that I let myself be used over and over by him and just took it. I have had a lot of extremely hurtful things happen to me sexually and a lot of manipulation by the people I have dated and I'm still trying to heal from that.
I want to make it clear that the people who have hurt me have not all been straight men. There have been queer men, as well as a trans person. I know straight men can be fucking horrible, but I also am realizing just because someone isn't a straight guy, it doesn't mean they won't take advantage and hurt you. A lot of people tell me to just stop dating straight guys, assuming only I've only dated straight guys, but that isn't true.
I think I am getting to a place where I am a lot more selective about who I date and I stand up for myself. The last person I dated told me he wished I was a boy, and I immediately broke things off with him. I'm learning I have a voice and how to stand up for myself. I've made a lot of progress, there is still more work to be done, but I am incredibly proud of how far I've come.
I know I can find healthy relationships, and I am able to build and maintain healthy relationships with both friends and people I date. I would really like to find someone who accepts me as I am while also encouraging me to grow, I think that is the best I can ask for. I am tired of people using me to fulfill a fantasy, using me sexually, and trying to turn me into someone I'm not.
The whole thing with the UK guy was kind of the trigger for a depression that I'm sure would have come eventually. I am realizing I have a lot to work on (always), and I am doing my best. I don't really know what to say. Sometimes I have hope, but most of the time I do not. I wake each morning and try again. I'm working really hard in therapy and we are changing meds to get me to a more stable place.
Depression is a scary thing. I just don't know what will happen next. But I do know I am fighting like hell, and I won't stop fighting. I deserve a life I love, or even just a life that is ok. I deserve to be free from the trauma and bullshit I have experienced. I deserve space to be me. --you do too.
xo, C
