Hi sweet lovelies,
I had therapy yesterday and my dr. and I decided to try a different form of therapy. Ever since the Kavanaugh hearing, which I made a mistake in watching the entire thing, I have been full of grief. Grief about my childhood trauma and my assault. I have been writing about my childhood because it's the only thing that comes up when I write. My PTSD is out of control. I cry uncontrollably for ten minutes or so and nearly have a panic attack in every therapy appointment. I am seriously drowning in grief and it feels like there is no way out.
It's been rough. My dr. told me he has never seen me doing this bad and that he is extremely worried about me. I agree. I have never been more lost in grief than I am now. So my dr. brought up the idea of not facing my trauma right now. Instead, accepting that the past is the past and it was abusive and traumatic, but right now I need to focus on my present life.
This will mean I will no longer write about my childhood, and that when the trauma over the past comes up, I will redirect my thoughts to the present moment. Reminding myself that I am not longer in my childhood, that I am a strong and competent person, and that I can get through this, and that I am safe.
I also need to stop doing things to avoid the pain. This means sitting with my feelings and only doing things when I actually want to, not to avoid pain. But I also need to make sure I am in the present moment, and recognize when I am dissociating (which is almost constantly).
There are many more aspects of my new therapy plan, but I sort of forgot some of it. When I am anxious I often get confused and have memory loss. Does that happen for you if you deal with anxiety? I would love to hear your experience.
So I definitely had a breakthrough in therapy yesterday, and that feels really great. My dr. gave me a mini leg lap nightlight like the one in A Christmas Story as a trophy for having a breakthrough. 😂 It was pretty hilarious and also very nice of him. I seriously love my dr. He is one of the best in Northern California, and probably in the country. Sometimes he doesn't get me, Sometimes he makes mistakes (I've seen him almost twice a week for over a decade). I have actually had sessions where I mainly yelled at him, and one or two sessions where I walked out. But he has never given up on me and I have never given up on him.
Another thing is he is so excited for us to have a baby! He knows I am fully capable and will be a great mom, which really builds my confidence since besides R, he is the person who knows me the most. He has talked about brining in a playpen for during my appts. once we have the baby, and he also wants to buy baby things for us. I think he is living vicariously through us. 😂
Anyway, I am worried that I won't be able to write anymore because my trauma is so present when I write, but I have to keep at it. I thought last night that maybe the book I'm writing isn't mean to be centered in grief. Maybe it will be about something else. I actually hope so. The poems I am writing now are so painful and I think they may just bring my readers down. We'll see what happens...
xo, C
