Hi punkins,
My fucking zipper mouth father used to call me "baby girl", and I'm not sure why because he ignored me my entire like except for the times he yelled and spanked me. So I'm trying to reclaim the phrase. It's not easy, but I just keep working at it.
Well this post is about babies. In our last fertility appointment we found out that we could choose the sex of our baby if my harvested eggs are both sexes. As soon as I found that out, I blurted out in our appointment that I wanted to choose the sex and that I would choose a girl. R was pretty surprised that I felt so strongly about it.
For a short period of time, I wasn't quite sure why I felt such a desire to have a girl. Then I realized in therapy and a bit on my own, that the reason I want a girl is it will be like me caring for the little girl I was and healing the abandonment and abuse I dealt with. Now it totally makes sense and so R and I have decided that if we have female fetuses, we will choose a girl.
I'm really excited about it, and of course if we only have boy fetuses, I will be thrilled as well. We actually picked our name for a girl on our second or third date. Kind of crazy, but we both knew on Valentines day when we sat next to each other at a restaurant with friends, that we were meant to be together. Two days after we went to the restaurant, we started dating. It's hard to explain how natural and lovely it felt and still feels to be with him. We went on our second or third date to see a musical and that is when we came up with the name. I won't mention the name of the musical because we are trying to keep the name under wraps. I just remember standing in the lobby of the theater and talking about our future children, what a lovely memory and moment.
I also found out that if I want to, I can breastfeed our baby. I had no idea you could do that without actually having a baby. I would have to get off some of my meds during that time so I'm just not sure if I would want to try that. For years I have just assumed we would have to use formula, so it's kind of weird and nice to have the option to breastfeed.
Once we get the funding for the surrogacy, we will harvest my eggs. I'm very anxious about this as I have PTSD from ECT and this procedure puts me under anesthesia so I'm worried I will have panic attacks. I'm so thankful that our doctor totally gets that and is going to prescribe me some stronger anxiety meds and wants me to meet with the anesthesiologists to go over my fears and the procedures. I also have to do IVF before the procedure so lots of pokes in my belly. I'm really nervous about that, but I've been through so much horrible shit, this is really the least of my worries, and in the end it's completely worth it!
We are just so excited that we are moving forward with the things we want in our life, and not waiting for me to feel better. We already are buying little treasures for our baby Gantt. When we go Christmas shopping we are going to get something for our soon to be little babe. It's been fun. It's been stressful. I feel like it's brought us closer. We just need to keep moving forward...
xoxo,
Catherine
